My Return to America
New York City
The Tree The Grass My Bed
Over before it started
In 2010, I arrived in New York at JFK, it was the 4th of July, and it was really nice to see the fireworks, and how the people were so nice and so calmly walking to the fireworks and back.
They really immediately struck me as very nice, kind, and calm, decent people.
Over before it started
The Tree The Grass My Bed
Over before it started
A hostel a cab driver brought me to, had lied that I could stay for a while, while low on funds and trying to get a job. So instead they tricked me to stay longer, then stole all my luggage and threw me out. So New York.
This is when hard times started. I walked uptown all the way from Chelsea, to 59th, while trying to find a job everywhere,
The Tree The Grass My Bed
The Tree The Grass My Bed
The Apple Store & Rain at Night
When I finally made it to Central Park, I could sleep. I slept under a tree just like this, in the sun as soon as the day started.
At night I stayed up. That is the only thing to do. One should never sleep out side in NYC at night. Happy with loud as hell trucks in the morning, cause that means its time to sleep in the park.
Somehow a beau
When I finally made it to Central Park, I could sleep. I slept under a tree just like this, in the sun as soon as the day started.
At night I stayed up. That is the only thing to do. One should never sleep out side in NYC at night. Happy with loud as hell trucks in the morning, cause that means its time to sleep in the park.
Somehow a beautiful way to pretend to be okay amongst the tourists in the grass. I slept a lot, I was completely depleted.
The Apple Store & Rain at Night
Run - Shelter - Odd Jobs & Cleaning with the Toothbrush
The Apple Store & Rain at Night
Bathrooms, computers and hope for a way to safety a way out.
At night you could sit on the edge what used to be a big marble wall people would sit on. Looking over the squares buildings, statues, a fountain and the people and the park.
You sit there and wait for the next day, never sleep, fade away. It's Autumn which equals permanent Mon
Bathrooms, computers and hope for a way to safety a way out.
At night you could sit on the edge what used to be a big marble wall people would sit on. Looking over the squares buildings, statues, a fountain and the people and the park.
You sit there and wait for the next day, never sleep, fade away. It's Autumn which equals permanent Monsoon in NYC, and your feet fall apart.
Things turn faded white.
One day a few criminals came, I think two. Black, one so completely deranged you would think it was not real. He looked at me and in crazed ways waved around a naked girl. At the moment she was slapped down on the stone wall and bounced to the ground without sign of life, I was pretty sure they had killed her. It was 2010 Autumn at the Apple Store on 59th on 5th.
The Guard I Met & The Shelter
Run - Shelter - Odd Jobs & Cleaning with the Toothbrush
Run - Shelter - Odd Jobs & Cleaning with the Toothbrush
I told a guard. He arranged cams. We became friends.
When the rain, and no sleep literally killed me, he gave me a train ride for a week, told me to use trains when needed, and to after that week go see the police and get a shelter letter.
I did. It was a big shelter in the Bronx. But I still had my darling cat. And she had been the one t
I told a guard. He arranged cams. We became friends.
When the rain, and no sleep literally killed me, he gave me a train ride for a week, told me to use trains when needed, and to after that week go see the police and get a shelter letter.
I did. It was a big shelter in the Bronx. But I still had my darling cat. And she had been the one thing I had made sure always to care for with food and water but now I had to let her go. It was not allowed to bring pets.
She went from one to the next person, first a crazy group, then a nice man whose dog did not like her, and then an old big Itialian man I appreciated so much.
Turns out he sadly got rid of her some time later.
Run - Shelter - Odd Jobs & Cleaning with the Toothbrush
Run - Shelter - Odd Jobs & Cleaning with the Toothbrush
Run - Shelter - Odd Jobs & Cleaning with the Toothbrush
Men in women's shelters, not even trying to pretend to be women. Sleeping of course on my bed side, and a lot of nightly activity. Violence, death, rape, fear, and being harshly controlled by staff. Me, not them.
I ran. Then I tried a next shelter, was beaten up by the next male woman, and ran again.
Here life was again back to nothing bu
Men in women's shelters, not even trying to pretend to be women. Sleeping of course on my bed side, and a lot of nightly activity. Violence, death, rape, fear, and being harshly controlled by staff. Me, not them.
I ran. Then I tried a next shelter, was beaten up by the next male woman, and ran again.
Here life was again back to nothing but with some more sleep and less deprived, I was now able to seek jobs in local papers, and found a hostel I worked, that closed, and then trains trains and job agencies, more trains, near death and a new shelter.
Here, when I as not drugged up with foods or so finally time to go to the library and find jobs. Odd jobs.
Scrubbing floors with tooth brushes. I saved up.. 3.50 per hour, but I did.
Finally a Real Job
Frozen Trails to Beaches and Back
New York is the North Pole
With money I saved from scrubbing floors with a toothbrush, no really, I shopped so happily at Strawberry for office clothes, and started seeking on Craigs.
I found a job I would work on commission, but if I would put in my all and I did. Sometimes I had a little more then other times, but I never really made it to finding an apartment or
With money I saved from scrubbing floors with a toothbrush, no really, I shopped so happily at Strawberry for office clothes, and started seeking on Craigs.
I found a job I would work on commission, but if I would put in my all and I did. Sometimes I had a little more then other times, but I never really made it to finding an apartment or room that I would stay longer then a very short period.
After a while, things just didn't work out and I was without a job again for about two whole years. No place to go, I became homeless, and chose trains over dangerous shelters.
New York is the North Pole
Frozen Trails to Beaches and Back
New York is the North Pole
One thing about New York:
Weather is harsh. That is not just saying it. it is deadly harsh.
The geographical position and building structure of the towers makes it very rainy, and very very cold.
I have that way slept in trains long periods of times and also at shelters.
In 2014 I lost my job and again was in this position. Ones finally i
One thing about New York:
Weather is harsh. That is not just saying it. it is deadly harsh.
The geographical position and building structure of the towers makes it very rainy, and very very cold.
I have that way slept in trains long periods of times and also at shelters.
In 2014 I lost my job and again was in this position. Ones finally in a shelter I had a chance to seek for work on my old laptop at Starbucks. I found a job or two. Just not for long times.
Frozen Trails to Beaches and Back
Frozen Trails to Beaches and Back
Century 21 & Cinnamon at Starbucks
It took a hard core winter and near death for me to go to a shelter. I had been on trains for ever it seemed. Taking the cold trains was the safest, no crime no others, no drugs. But if you fell asleep going down town you would end up in the wrong area if you took the wrong train.
One day I did. I woke up somewhere in the Bronx and the sc
It took a hard core winter and near death for me to go to a shelter. I had been on trains for ever it seemed. Taking the cold trains was the safest, no crime no others, no drugs. But if you fell asleep going down town you would end up in the wrong area if you took the wrong train.
One day I did. I woke up somewhere in the Bronx and the scariest men were on the station. This is all underground.
I was just about dying, and could no longer do something about it. I just was happy a bench stood right across where the train door opened, and sat down and passed out.
Then by hands of God a lady came, she woke me up asked what I was doing, and about my life. She then directed me to a "Church shelter" at Lafayette downtown Manhattan.
For a while that was good, I how ever tired did a course for Wall Street Stocks at "Wall Street Underdog" and thought I would perhaps find a better life.
But the people placed in the shelter got worse and worse and more and more dangerous.
That is when I was outside no matter what weather and no matter how cold but slept there. No food no water, just sleep and showers. That !
Century 21 & Cinnamon at Starbucks
Century 21 & Cinnamon at Starbucks
Century 21 & Cinnamon at Starbucks
Shelter at Lafayette. Every day I would walk all the way down to the area of Battery, go to Church pray and rest and get warm and sit at Starbucks pouring some milk in a cup, with some sugar, walking to Century 21.
Here I would just walk through and see everything they sold. I LOVED the shop, was mostly at fashion, and in the bathrooms th
Shelter at Lafayette. Every day I would walk all the way down to the area of Battery, go to Church pray and rest and get warm and sit at Starbucks pouring some milk in a cup, with some sugar, walking to Century 21.
Here I would just walk through and see everything they sold. I LOVED the shop, was mostly at fashion, and in the bathrooms there would brush my teeth and comb my hair.
After that I would walk to the Museum ...
I am just so thrilled they reopened. I should go visit some time, and buy some nice things.
Deviled Eggs at The Church
Century 21 & Cinnamon at Starbucks
Deviled Eggs at The Church
The Trinity Church.
The beautiful church right at the middle of the financial center of New York. Big, but small. Old, real, realistic, authentic, dreamy. And a lovely place to pray and light candles, and enjoy the Church while it operates and people do special very very old performances.
One day they filled an entire table with foods, b
The Trinity Church.
The beautiful church right at the middle of the financial center of New York. Big, but small. Old, real, realistic, authentic, dreamy. And a lovely place to pray and light candles, and enjoy the Church while it operates and people do special very very old performances.
One day they filled an entire table with foods, beverages, and deviled eggs. I dont know how or why but I ate so many.
A lovely lady asked me who I was and why I ate them, I of course...asked for a job.
Helter Skelter Shelter
Century 21 & Cinnamon at Starbucks
Deviled Eggs at The Church
2014 was on the news as the coldest winter of all times. The cold of the winter, along Manhattans extreme winds brought temperatures of -31.8 below zero Celsius (-25.2F). Only 10 degrees different to the North Pole.
Without a job LONG TERM. Trains, trains, trains, freezing, freezing trains.
Hell shelter at Lafayette. Minus 25 Fahrenheit.
N
2014 was on the news as the coldest winter of all times. The cold of the winter, along Manhattans extreme winds brought temperatures of -31.8 below zero Celsius (-25.2F). Only 10 degrees different to the North Pole.
Without a job LONG TERM. Trains, trains, trains, freezing, freezing trains.
Hell shelter at Lafayette. Minus 25 Fahrenheit.
No one outside, but I was. Each morning I ran fast as I could. The shelter was very unsafe and I made sure to run out as soon as the door opened. I ran and put my coat on on the way. Out all day. Till I found a job as a nanny.
The Frozen Ocean
Pitch Dark, Snow World "Bridge" and "THE SCARF"
Pitch Dark, Snow World "Bridge" and "THE SCARF"
When I found a job as nanny in Long Island it was just so good. But when I did exactly what the other nannies told me, I was worked out. They had found out one was to be let go.
They told me to be firm with the youngest and tell her not to dress like Madonna. Fair, but it made her cry, and would have been much better with a sweet word or
When I found a job as nanny in Long Island it was just so good. But when I did exactly what the other nannies told me, I was worked out. They had found out one was to be let go.
They told me to be firm with the youngest and tell her not to dress like Madonna. Fair, but it made her cry, and would have been much better with a sweet word or two.
They worked me out, I was back outside in only two weeks. I had just spent all my earnings on new clothing that I hoped would fit the position of nanny better.
They drove me to the area a bus would come. I stepped out. Outside, it was colder then ever.
I remember walking to the water, the ocean water. The ocean water around the little cute pier. Some boats close by. All in hard as rocks thick ice.
The thick misty white frozen air blowing around like in a North Pole nightmare painting of old very strongly exaggerative paintings in oil.
The ocean was completely Frozen
Pitch Dark, Snow World "Bridge" and "THE SCARF"
Pitch Dark, Snow World "Bridge" and "THE SCARF"
Pitch Dark, Snow World "Bridge" and "THE SCARF"
When I returned to the Lafayette shelter after losing the job, they were drawing lottery numbers for who could stay. She draw me out, I could see the number, it was fake.
But I had to go. I had just bought bright colorful but much thinner clothes for the nanny job.
And "The Scarf" The thinnest scarf, bright Red.
I left with my bag over my
When I returned to the Lafayette shelter after losing the job, they were drawing lottery numbers for who could stay. She draw me out, I could see the number, it was fake.
But I had to go. I had just bought bright colorful but much thinner clothes for the nanny job.
And "The Scarf" The thinnest scarf, bright Red.
I left with my bag over my shoulder. Never colder, late night. No where to go.
The phone rang. My hard work at seeking jobs payed off. I was asked to come right way. It was a live in job.
I went with that bus. New Jersey was pitch dark, the snow was thigh-deep. It dropped me off in the middle of no where.
I followed maps on my phone, but walked to an edge of some kind, I had an urge to step over it, but thought Id first check.
It was a bridge over deeply below water. Ice cold frozen water. I nearly stepped over it. Pretty sure I would have broken my neck.
I walked on froze more then I ever had, thought I would die. But by some miracle while thinking of God and Jesus, I took the super thin scarf I had and put it around my head and neck to be warm. A summer scarf.
The warmth of it was pure magic, it was just to much. So impressive. I will never forget. I walked on.
The Scarf
The Dog That Got Away
The Dog That Got Away
Do you believe in God ? I Do !!
I bought it at TJ Maxx, it was thinner than any scarf I ever had.
When I walked through a heavy snowstorm alone at night in the dark, and nearly lost my life by falling over a bridge, I asked God to help me, telling him I really wanted to live, and not to let me just fall off and get it over with. I prayed
Do you believe in God ? I Do !!
I bought it at TJ Maxx, it was thinner than any scarf I ever had.
When I walked through a heavy snowstorm alone at night in the dark, and nearly lost my life by falling over a bridge, I asked God to help me, telling him I really wanted to live, and not to let me just fall off and get it over with. I prayed he would make me warm.
Something inside me really deeply calm said take off your scarf and put it around your head twice and then neck twice. Now you will be warm.
I did and it heated me up so much I just had trouble believing it myself while falling in this dreamy warmth walking on the the house my job was at.
The Dog That Got Away
The Dog That Got Away
The Dog That Got Away
Cleaning, being a nanny and taking care of the dog in the New York high mountains, and in Jersey at mom's cleaning and removing items no longer needed, and taking care of the dog.
In NJ it was okay to use the car and go for a drive, see Manhattan sometimes, if I would promise to close the fence and barricade it.
So I did, the trip wasn't
Cleaning, being a nanny and taking care of the dog in the New York high mountains, and in Jersey at mom's cleaning and removing items no longer needed, and taking care of the dog.
In NJ it was okay to use the car and go for a drive, see Manhattan sometimes, if I would promise to close the fence and barricade it.
So I did, the trip wasn't anything special, I came back, the fence was open. It took a long time to find him. He was found at a vet, someone had driven in to him while walking ridiculously far. He was soon okay, and I could drive him back home soon, still, over. Another job gone.
I luckily now had worked a bit, and earned and saved some money. Next was I hoped something better, easier, warmer and more fun.
The Greyhound to Florida. I learned about volunteering jobs, found a few jobs to try there and went on my way !!
Florida... (next)
Oh my God that Greyhound
The Pandemic
The Pandemic Hit
When the pandemic hit, quite a few years after I found a job, and was doing alright, I never really knew it would.
Many of us didn't. We would all think that it was probably one of these other, other, other next things that didn't really happen or wouldn't really be a big thing.
And when it started, I was still going out, as we all did. I
When the pandemic hit, quite a few years after I found a job, and was doing alright, I never really knew it would.
Many of us didn't. We would all think that it was probably one of these other, other, other next things that didn't really happen or wouldn't really be a big thing.
And when it started, I was still going out, as we all did. It wasn't closed yet. And people would meet up and started with greeting each other with elbows and telling each other about the possibility that might be real.
And then it hit.
And then everything closed, and everyone stayed home. And the first thing about it was more or less, I think they called it shelter in place, shelter in home, and reminded us that it was like when there would be a big thing, like a bomb or something.
Everybody had to stay home, lock the doors, lock the windows, and watch TV for news for follow-ups. And I remember Cuomo in the news. He was really so fantastic.
In New York it was really hard. We were the first to really get hit. We got hit very, very hard. And there were trucks everywhere that picked up the dead bodies. The trucks were painted white and drove around everywhere.
And, well, we weren't allowed to go outside, but we were allowed to get medicine or toilet paper, other necessities, foods, and I always did, and tried to find a human, another person, you know, on a corner somewhere, or eventually little open windows that would open for coffee.
And then you would meet another person and the person serving. And that was when it was really, really hard and still happening harshly.
And you see a lot of things, like, you know, the people, the essential workers going around with the foods and medicines, and the people clapping, opening the windows and all clapping for them at a specific hour of the day. And there was this lady. She was standing on the corner of the street, always banging her pot and turning in circles and staying there banging the pot, a cook pot, you know, for cooking. It was to applaud the essential workers while that happened.
Well, I wrote a song about it, and this is it.
In Result ...
Result : A mental response whenever money runs low
Because of prolonged hard times, I have developed a strong mental stress response that kicks in whenever money runs low. After years of hunger and scarcity, my mind goes into overdrive the moment funds start to dwindle. I can’t stop thinking about it day and night — constantly turning over solutions and options. When money finally arrives, this same pressure often leads me to eat more than I need, which makes me gain weight, feel unhealthy, and become deeply unhappy.
As a result, I have to be extremely careful not to overspend, even on basic necessities. I’ve tried many times to buy furniture, for example, but each attempt has made life harder: the items either never arrive, arrive late, or show up broken, dirty, old, smelly, or infested. I cancel the orders, lose the money temporarily while waiting for refunds, and end up with nothing. Ironically, every time I start losing weight and feel thinner, the cycle pulls me back and I end up heavier again.
It has also created a pattern of stagnation. I always plan carefully — first this, then that — but the first step never gets completed, so everything else stays on hold. Furniture first, then more weight loss, then teeth, then other improvements… and right now, nothing moves forward. I’ve given up on furniture for long stretches and will try again, though I already know how it usually ends.
For these reasons I could not attend the meeting in Washington DC this year. The trip costs, the lack of furniture, limited funds, and the reality of being the only person (there) unable to enjoy anything or even buy something healthy made it impossible.
In my clear view of things, I should have a proper home with furniture, a dog, a healthy lifestyle, a car, and the ability to exercise and do enjoyable activities. Just moving into a new home has already been a huge change. I’m in the pool almost daily and work out hard — that result is brought by happiness and peace, not pain.
It is largely a mindset issue. I can manage with less food without problem, as long as I’m not forced into scarcity by finances.
I keep climbing the ladder. I’ve made real progress, yet I remain at a low level because the rungs keep breaking. I never quite get higher. I sometimes wonder what this does to others, but I keep going.
— Eve
My father arranged for me a lot of things for when I would escape or be saved from kidnap.
Things like a trust fund, and a ranch with horses but not only that, there were also valuables, collectibles, items of emotional value and things like gold and diamonds.
ALL STOLEN!!!