My Return to America

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When I finally made it to Central Park, I could sleep. I slept under a tree just like this, in the sun as soon as the day started. 

At night I stayed up. That is the only thing to do. One should never sleep out side in NYC at night. Happy with loud as hell trucks in the morning, cause that means its time to sleep in the park.

Somehow a beautiful way to pretend to be okay amongst the tourists in the grass. I slept a lot, I was completely depleted.  

Bathrooms, computers and hope for a way to safety a way out. 

At night you could sit on the edge what used to be a big marble wall people would sit on. Looking over the squares buildings, statues, a fountain and the people and the park. 

You sit there and wait for the next day, never sleep, fade away.  It's Autumn which equals permanent Monsoon in NYC, and your feet fall apart. 

Things turn faded white.

One day a few criminals came, I think two. Black, one so completely deranged you would think it was not real. He looked at me and in crazed ways waved around a naked girl. At the moment she was slapped down on the stone wall and bounced to the ground without sign of life, I was pretty sure they had killed her. It was 2010 Autumn at the Apple Store on 59th on 5th. 

I told a guard. He arranged cams. We became friends. 

When the rain, and no sleep literally killed me, he gave me a train ride for a week, told me to use trains when needed, and to after that week go see the police and get a shelter letter. 

I did. It was a big shelter in the Bronx. But I still had my darling cat. And she had been the one thing I had made sure always to care for with food and water but now I had to let her go. It was not allowed to bring pets. 

She went from one to the next person, first a crazy group, then a nice man whose dog did not like her, and then an old big Itialian man I appreciated so much.

Turns out he sadly got rid of her some time later. 

Men in women's shelters, not even trying to pretend to be women. Sleeping of course on my bed side, and a lot of nightly activity. Violence, death, rape, fear, and being harshly controlled by staff. Me, not them. 

I ran. Then I tried a next shelter, was beaten up by the next male woman, and ran again. 

Here life was again back to nothing but with some more sleep and less deprived, I was now able to seek jobs in local papers, and found a hostel I worked, that closed, and then trains trains and job agencies, more trains, near death and a new shelter. 

Here, when I as not drugged up with foods or so finally time to go to the library and find jobs. Odd jobs. 

Scrubbing floors with tooth brushes. I saved up.. 3.50 per hour, but I did. 

With money I saved from scrubbing floors with a toothbrush, no really, I shopped so happily at Strawberry for office clothes, and started seeking on Craigs. 

I found a job I would work on commission, but if I would put in my all and I did. Sometimes I had a little more then other times, but I never really made it to finding an apartment or room that I would stay longer then a very short period.

After a while, things just didn't work out and I was without a job again for about two whole years.  No place to go, I became homeless, and chose trains over dangerous shelters. 

One thing about New York: 

Weather is harsh. That is not just saying it. it is deadly harsh. 

The geographical position and building structure of the towers makes it very rainy, and very very cold. 

I have that way slept in trains long periods of times and also at shelters. 

In 2014 I lost my job and again was in this position. Ones finally in a shelter I had a chance to seek for work on my old laptop at Starbucks. I found a job or two. Just not for long times. 

It took a hard core winter and near death for me to go to a shelter. I had been on trains for ever it seemed. Taking the cold trains was the safest, no crime no others, no drugs. But if you fell asleep going down town you would end up in the wrong area if you took the wrong train. 

One day I did. I woke up somewhere in the Bronx and the scariest men were on the station. This is all underground. 

I was just about dying, and could no longer do something about it. I just was happy a bench stood right across where the train door opened, and sat down and passed out. 

Then by hands of God a lady came, she woke me up asked what I was doing, and about my life. She then directed me to a "Church shelter"  at Lafayette downtown Manhattan. 

For a while that was good, I how ever tired did a course for Wall Street Stocks at "Wall Street Underdog" and thought I would perhaps find a better life. 

But the people placed in the shelter got worse and worse and more and more dangerous. 

That is when I was outside no matter what weather and no matter how cold but slept there. No food no water, just sleep and showers. That ! 

Shelter at Lafayette. Every day I would walk all the way down to the area of Battery, go to Church pray and rest and get warm and sit at Starbucks pouring some milk in a cup, with some sugar, walking to Century 21. 

Here I would just walk through and see everything they sold. I LOVED the shop, was mostly at fashion, and in the bathrooms there would brush my teeth and comb my hair. 

After that I would walk to the Museum ... 

I am just so thrilled they reopened. I should go visit some time, and buy some nice things. 

The Trinity Church. 

The beautiful church right at the middle of the financial center of New York. Big, but small. Old, real, realistic, authentic, dreamy. And a lovely place to pray and light candles, and enjoy the Church while it operates and people do special very very old performances.  

One day they filled an entire table with foods, beverages, and deviled eggs. I dont know how or why but I ate so many. 

A lovely lady asked me who I was and why I ate them, I of course...asked for a job. 

2014 was on the news as the coldest winter of all times. The cold of the winter, along Manhattans extreme winds brought temperatures of -31.8 below zero Celsius (-25.2F). Only 10 degrees different to the North Pole. 

Without a job LONG TERM. Trains, trains, trains, freezing, freezing trains.

Hell shelter at Lafayette. Minus 25 Fahrenheit. 

No one outside, but I was. Each morning I ran fast as I could. The shelter was very unsafe and I made sure to run out as soon as the door opened. I ran and put my coat on on the way. Out all day. Till I found a job as a nanny.