It was the Fourth of July and I had booked a number of plane trips to avoid my kidnappers finding out which I would take. I had lied I would go to France and was not upset and would not talk and they had let me a lot more free then ever in my life. It seemed to work. I was on that plane for more then 8 hours with a stop in between and then the arrival in NYC.
And I did not have a home, or a job. I was learning how to find and trying hard, every day at Starbucks. I would always run as fast as I could from the shelters, deadly as they are to the nice ones, the white ones, and the honest ones. Deadly as they were the freezing air of down town Manhattan was always better. The freezing man on the subway rack white glaze over blue nose, the frozen feet in summer shoes, the glass of water at Starbucks to fill with milk when no one was watching, oh and sugar and cinnamon. Yes I was doing great you can read. New York is not easy, New York is the toughest City in the whole wide world, and it has killed many many people.
I had during these times found a little job here and there, but had to leave when the person I was going to work in place of was going to stay. I remember standing at the water seeing the entire ocean was frozen. I may find an old pic in my phone, this is a photo of the frozen ocean anyways.
Oh my God, The Deviled Eggs, I will never forget. My run from the shelter in the morning always brought me to super stores to do my hair and stay clean, and Starbucks for water or milk if I could get some and then one day I found the Trinity church. I sat there watching the gatherings and prayed there with the candles and enjoyed the plays and at worshipping times I stood in line and walked to the front with the other people, and drank from the wine and ate from the bread. I thought it was quite fantastic. One day I walked in to find a table almost entirely filled with foods, mostly with devilled eggs. I was so happy to have some food and God did I enjoy eating them. I had a lovely talk with the minister and other people and never felt more welcome.
That store, I will never forget. I would walk in all calm and relaxed, home but not. I never looked bad or dirty, but still. Walking by the clothing racks, Id find a nice size and imagine the day I would wear it. Thank God for my imagination and belief. It really can keep you going. Century 21 had bathrooms right next to all the dresses. Beautiful dresses. I would dream of it look every day, again and again, and then just calmly clean and groom myself in the bathroom. Not one look, not one unkind face. I remember feeling more and more welcome and valuable there. It was like they knew, but they didn't, I know.
Every day I would walk here near Battery Park. Century 21, an amazing store with always sort of a Christmas feeling and seriously nothing but the hottest fashion. Id look at shoes, boots, boots that I could never buy, coats, dresses and mostly outfits for the office. Id always plan for my future, and am still so happy I did. I work in Finance now after all. It is only because of my persistence. How ever hard life got, what ever happened.
Did you ever hear the freezing wind when it's top winter time around the Brooklyn Bridge ? It is loud and seems to come from Hell, it makes a statement, and promises you something. It's a miracle if you survive.
Id meet the others, the ladies, the crazies, the criminals, the screamers, the ill, the addicted, the mad, the upset, the dangerous, and all of them would say I would never make it, when Id say I would, I was different, I did not belong there, I had education, I was good, I was not sick like them, I would be okay.
Reading Papillon, by Henry Charriere that would be the worst to do. But in all other ways I think I did pretty well. Plus he had no way to get out I did. I got out and distanced myself. I could and had to. Im female and a quiet peaceful person. I don't blend with that.
I read that book as a young teen and could not stop reading it, it made me stronger in so many ways. It was known as a survival almanac or Bible even in days very long ago now.
And that is precisely the difference, of making it or not. You see they were right, you know. Non of them made it, would ever make it, or ever know anyone who did. They said so, and they were right. They where over and / or would end up dead, being beaten up by the gangsters suppressing them, by the injection they could not take, quickly administered when they would have a fit, When they'd finally get enough money to buy an OD and make sure they'd be dead themselves.
But me, I would not. I would make sure I would stay away. Away from them, from others like them, from gangs, from rapists, from bullies, controllers, hell guards even. Id stay away so well Id not even eat and for sure if I did take some food at the better shelters, would take it with me and eat outside with the swans actually, *Oh the swans*. Id make sure Id not consume drugged things too, as dirty things. And while sadly others went madly insane being forced by the worst kinds of horrid men, Id simply walk out. That was all. Oh and saying loud enough, what happened if something did. Something like "hey can you take that rattling knife away from my neck"? "You're right behind me"! That would at least give a second to then move away from the person quickly.
It was not easy, as it made me officially the worst outcast they had, but how ever could not lay a finger on. A exception there, I was gone already. Nothing to do about it. But that is the way to do it, to stay clean of drugs, wether intentionally taken or added in your water, of violence, of being suppressed becoming someone else's dog.
The only way !
Every Morning at some point, I left the shelter quickly with a mini box of cereal they gave us to find some peace in the Park. Prospect Park was quite beautiful, and big too. At the lake a group of beautiful swans would always be. Picking foods from people bringing they would come to me, sitting in a tree part that would serve great as a seat. In a short time got to know the swans, and they came closer and closer, until in my lap and wings around me, almost like the paintings actually. Beautifully so. I would open the little box, and the swan would know, and put its beak in entirely and eat it all right up.
It was not warm but the sun came through the trees, it was mystical, dreamy, a fantasy almost. Almost like being in a real life story instead of reality.
I always wanted to have swans, my dad had told me he had them and I would love them so they where used to humans and friendly....
I am so happy I had that experience and not only the dream.
In a better shelter, I kept trying to find a job, like mad maybe on steroids (lol). I did so in the libraries. They were used by many for this specifically. I was there every day and I found this and that here and there sometimes for good enough fees, and then a cleaning job that was more steady for very small income. There I washed windows as big as the building and scrubbed the massive floors with small brushes for hours, and with big machines making only $3.50 an hour, and only to be saving up. Saving up for clothes that would fit an office. Yes, I knew where I was going. I knew that I needed to be very representable for a good enough job. So I worked just for that, spending only money on transportation and oh that one coffee. That one magnificent coffee and a Yorky. When I finally had enough, I went to a shop I had found I liked so much. A shop that was ultra cheap but kind of perfect "Strawberry" on 57th street. They were fantastic. Everything there you needed for a nice job, a good representation and only maybe $20 for a pants. So I bought all I could get, for the money I had saved and hid it in my bag in the little locker next to my bed, and started searching for office jobs. Then I finally found it....
I will never forget, the coldest area, snow everywhere and the walk to the bottom of Manhattan. The little park with the fountain the big buildings, the people, always going somewhere. Me sitting in the snow, on a bench, purposely waisting time so the day would go by, waiting for a later moment to move on down to the shops. Ones or twice I had the nerve, of all the times I had nothing and with nothing I mean nothing, only ones or twice I had the nerve to ask. Ones here. That little coffee stand right on the way between the big buildings, with all the customers. I walked there looked him in the eye and said "would you ever have anything for anyone who does not have any money?", He was warm and kind did not expect one thing for it, and grabbed a muffin and coffee for me that time and every day after. Every day. It would just be there already when Id arrive. That little silver colored car will always bring warm memories.
The scarf at TJ Maxx, An amazing story I will never forget. The scarf so thin I had to wonder why, why was it so thin, being sold in the winter. It said I believe it was warm tech. Must be extremely warm tech then I thought, but I never noticed.
I had found a job, finally, a job. Straight from a shelter in down town Manhattan, where the winter was colder then ever. I worked a few days, got my first paycheck thought about it and decided it was of most importance to have appropriate clothing for the job. I was nanny and kids after all like colors and fun things. I bought the scarf along a jacket both thin kind of material, and fake caterpillar shoes also very cold, but no worries cause I was mostly warm inside and in the Mercedes I could drive the kids with.
Then the tide changed, the lady I was replacing was staying for the job, while I did everything wrong, per strong advice of the other ladies. I was left in the cold with nothing, this time not even a warm coat. Back in the shelter there where now lotteries, while more and more evil dirty and bad people came, the good ones where thrown out. The lottery number fake, I remember how much that meant to me that one moment. I left and walked away in the snow. Snow up to the knees about I guess.
I walked out of the blazing cold winter street in to the next and got a call. It was a call for a job.
Long story short I waited in a warm bar I usually went for a drink when my boss had a moment, and then took the bus to the job in New Jersey. I was to find the key in the garage in a special place, and no one would be home but I could start working. That bus was such a long trip, the loneliest place is the place you don't know, that has no light and your in the dark, with this time snow up to your thighs. I walked with my little cheap android phone hoping maps would be accurate. I remember going around a thing and thinking twice checking the map and realizing I nearly walked of the other side of a bridge in to the frozen water. While I did I just nearly died of the freezing cold. It was the coldest winter in all time in the US they said on the news all the time, and I believe it.
I felt so cold I thought I would die, and then like a miracle I lifted up the scarf I had no trust in the scarf I thought was quite ridiculous and had not given me much warmth at all and twirled it around my head and in front of my face. Just one layer. And like a miracle I was warm, so warm, so intensely warm. I will never forget. *The pic was made at the Museum on the bottom of Manhattan near the bull at the bathroom area. This is the scarf, bought at TJ Maxx*
I still regret leaving the nanny job, the kids where nice xoxo
At first so happy. I remember so well. Like it was yesterday. Yet it was 2017 when it started, and it's 2024 now.
OMG here it is .. I would text back so frequently. The messages kept coming from a lot of different people too. No way I could be sure who was who, and if it was real, or even one person real. But I sure felt it was my all, and gave it my all.
Meetings near meetings, walk by's but nothing concrete.
At some point things changed to a more forceful state. Talk to only him, but then he leaves and I would speak to others and on.
I'm after all hoping to find?
One day it rained, and more and more fights came over me, threats also.
Something we call love bombing, followed by pig bombing.
I kind of gave up now, and my E-motion is no longer about happiness when I am approached. A little bored?
But I remain open always, as you never know a TRUE FRIEND or well-intended person might show, and then I'll always be there with arms open wide.
And so it will remain.
After years of hard work, I closed a deal and moved to a dreamy new apartment building where I work and live.
If you stick to it, you never know, it might happen, they say.
The office was in Manhattan, I remember very well. Life had been rough, and I did not give up. With odd jobs I paid for professional outfits and went for my first job application. I was hired right away.
I am still so happy to work at Fisher Enterprises llc, it is like family now.
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